In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
