Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
