He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
