Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
