Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
