so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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