You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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