Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
