If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
