If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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