i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
