Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
