I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
