I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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