hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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