I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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