yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
