Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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