Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
