i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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