He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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