That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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