Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
