final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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