I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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