Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
