Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
