I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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