just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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