seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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