Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
