you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
