textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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