Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
