i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
