I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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