Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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