The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
