apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
