shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
