I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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