The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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