You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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