i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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