Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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