His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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