Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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