You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Buhtt sex?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
