I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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