my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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