non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
