we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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