allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
