Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
