I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
