I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
