took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
