i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
