if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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