so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
